Month: July 2008

It was one of the most memorable moments of your life – the man you love bent down on one knee and told you he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. Overwhelmed and emotional, you swore it was the happiest few minutes you’ve ever experienced. But after the engagement is official you start to wonder – is this the right decision? Feeling cold feet, or wedding jitters, is common, and most of the time those anxious feelings are just misunderstood nerves that can be tied to something else. Of course, you should always evaluate seriously whether the relationship is right for you and make sure you know the difference between actually wanting to back out of the relationship and silly nerves. Here are a few tips to help you discern emotional fact from fiction.

1. Make a List : This can be a great exercise even if you’re not having the marriage jitters. Make a list of all the positive things about your potential spouse and then list all of the negative things. List all of the great aspects about marriage that excite you and all of the aspects about it that cause you to feel apprehensive. Writing it all down will help to give you some perspective and will help things fall into place. You may realize that all the things you’re afraid of aren’t really deal breakers and all of the things you’re excited about are really more wonderful that you originally thought. Then again, you may feel the opposite, but getting it all out of your system is cathartic and help you make your ultimate decision.
2. Pretend Like You’re Not Getting Married: Sometimes the stress of planning a wedding can make a person overreact about the smallest thing. A moment of nervousness has the potential to turn into a full-blown catastrophe when your family, friends, the cake maker and the florist are breathing down your neck every day and you’re feeling the pressure to make the big day absolutely perfect. Let it go – try to forget about the fact that you’re even getting married. Rent “Sex in the City,” go out with your friends, take a trip. Do anything to take your mind off the impending day. A little distraction will go a long way in terms of lifting your spirits. Then you might realize that what you thought was a reason to call off your marriage was really just nothing at all.
3. Talk it Out : Sometimes you just need to verbalize your feelings and emotions. Find a friend who you really trust and tell them what’s going on. Sometimes a friend – especially a friend who has already gone through what you’re going through – can provide the right perspective to put you back on track. By letting someone close to you in on your secret, you will relieve some pressure, receive some counsel, and also have someone looking out for you, ready to point out when you may be getting yourself into a situation that will exacerbate your jitters.
4. Seek Professional Help : Maybe you don’t have a friend who you would trust with such a private and weighty matter. Then seek out a professional. Talking things out is a great way to solve problems and see things for what they really are, so even if there’s no one close to you that you feel comfortable talking to, signing up for a few sessions with a psychologist or marriage counselor can be just as good – if not better – than talking with a friend. The reason it’s sometimes better is that third party confidants aren’t emotionally invested in your situation, therefore they’ll give you unbiased advice. Also, they won’t be around later after your married to remind you of your previous doubts.
5. Take a Trip: When planning a wedding, it’s easy for the bride and groom to feel distant from one another. Getting caught up in all of the superficial details takes precedence and you can easily forget the real reason that you are getting married – because you love each other and want to be together. Don’t let wedding planning run your life – make room for some alone time by reserving a few weekends during your engagement for a romantic getaway. Or perhaps you need some time on your own? A trip to visit an out of town friend might be just the ticket to help you relax.
6. Keep It Simple : If planning a big wedding is going to stress you out and make you over analyze things, then forget it. Again, the wedding is about you and your beloved committing to each other for life – it’s not about a fancy buffet or an expensive wedding dress. Keep your wedding as simple as possible by limiting yourself to a small guest list and going casual. A beach wedding in jeans or a backyard wedding with picnic-style food can be just as romantic as one in an ornate cathedral. If a simple wedding isn’t possible for you, then try to keep yourself sane by using wedding planning lists or getting a wedding planner who will deal with the details for you.
7. Practice Yoga: Yoga is an excellent form of exercise to help reduce stress and clear the mind. Often times wedding jitters arise when your mind is at a boiling point and too cluttered with needless thoughts and worries. Yoga helps to teach you to clear your mind and listen to your inner spirit. The flow of the exercise is great for releasing stuck energy and inviting quiet into your life. By practicing yoga, you will feel more open and less pressured by the external events in your life. This kind of mental freedom will help put your mind at ease so you can recognize whether what you are feeling is real or if it’s just a by-product of your environment.
8. Meditate: Like yoga, meditation is a great way to calm your nerves and clear your mind. For some, the idea of sitting still with your thoughts for several minutes a day sounds like torture and if you are inexperienced with the art of meditation then it will likely take awhile to become comfortable or get to a point where you actually feel the benefits of the practice. But if you can train your mind to be still for just a few minutes a day and concentrate on your breathing you will begin to feel more relaxed. Being relaxed and getting on an even keel will help you sort out your feelings more effectively. Racing from moment to moment and ignoring your worries will only exacerbate the problem.
9. Hang Out with Your Married Friends: If you are feeling insecure and unsure about your fiancé and your feelings about marriage, try upping the amount of time you spend with your friends who are already married. Observe the way they interact together and what makes their marriage work. You might find that you and your intended actually have a better relationship than you originally thought. Don’t be afraid to ask them some hard questions, too, like how they dealt with cold feet and why they believe their marriage works.
10. Go to a Spa : When you are in the midst of one of the most stressful times of your life, going to a spa or doing something nice for yourself may seem like a bit of an unnecessary indulgence. But actually forcing yourself to have “you” time where you feel like you are taking care of yourself is very important. In the same sense that new moms need time on their own, so do brides-to-be. There are few times in your life when you will feel it almost impossible to escape from constantly having people around you and this is definitely one of those times. Make some time to pamper you and it will help alleviate the fears and irrational thoughts that are creeping into your mind.