Wedding days are really the bride’s day. It’s the event she’s been dreaming of since she was a little girl, the one she’s been building up in her mind her entire life. Grooms must put aside their childish whims and be on their best behavior. Despite it being a day for both to celebrate, grooms must really be on their best behavior – even the most minor offense will not be tolerated. So that being the case here are a few other things a groom should definitely not do on your wedding day, lest he want to be publicly ditched at the altar.
Show Up Hungover: While it’s inevitable that the groom and all of his rowdy friends will want to celebrate and/or mourn his loss of bachelor status the night before the wedding, a groom who shows up reeking of Wild Turkey, urine, and cigarettes is not going to win any brownie points with his intended. If your man has a penchant for booze, make sure he’s stocked with the necessary hangover elixirs the next day. Especially if you sense he has cold feet – the more frightened he is, the more likely he is to go on a bender in the days leading up to the event.
Show Up Drunk: The only thing worse than showing up hungover is showing up fully drunk (though one could argue that arriving at your wedding after consuming a large amount of psychedelics might rank a little higher on this scale.) However, few things would put you more on edge than a groom who is spontaneously “wooing” and cheering, slurring his vows, laughing and snorting through the ceremony, basically falling over at the altar, or worst of all, carrying a beer down the aisle. Consider the story about the woman in India whose husband-to-be showed up so drunk to his own wedding that his bride married his brother instead. Do you have a back-up plan in place?
Rhyming Vows: Exchanging vows is one of the most special moments of a wedding ceremony, so it’s certain to say a bride would be less than amused by a groom who decided to “lighten” the moment with his comedic or musical debut. Rhyming or rapping his vows is both embarrassing for the bride and ridiculously cheesy. What bride wants to hear her husband declare his love by saying, “Hickory dickory dock, our hearts will soon be locked. I tried to run, you wouldn’t go away, and that’s what brings us here today!”
Invite an Ex: Remember when your groom asked you if he could invite his skanky ex-girlfriend who likes to call the house and hang up to the wedding? Remember when you said no? That should have been the end of it, right? Well, apparently not, because as you are walking down the aisle concentrating on looking misty-eyed and gorgeous there the harlot is in the fourth row on the groom’s side. It may take all the inner strength you possess to keep yourself from hurling your bouquet in the groom’s face and kneeing him in the groin. Inviting an ex behind the bride’s back is the ultimate no-no.
Get a Facial Tattoo: Can you even fathom the feeling of horror you might experience if you showed up to the church to find your groom had fulfilled his longtime fantasy of tattooing his entire face before the wedding? Marking his face with tribal art the day before your wedding is definite grounds for immediate deportation to Papua New Guinea or northern New Zealand. Getting a tattoo to commemorate the big day is one thing, but it has to be discreet. Writing your name across his forehead in permanent ink is neither endearing nor attractive. This is the kind of faux pas that just might get some grooms left standing solo at the altar.
Book His Favorite Styx Cover Band: You argued over the music for weeks. You wanted traditional DJ fare, maybe a sweet little string quartet during the ceremony and reception. He argued – quite passionately – for his favorite 80’s glam metal cover band, the kind who come complete with leather pants and eyeliner. You said no; he seemingly obliged. But then behind your back he canceled the viola player and booked the band. You show up to your reception to find a troupe of Alice Cooper look-alikes screaming racy lyrics to your horrified grandmother.
Ditch His Pants: The Ralph Lauren tuxedo the two of you picked out for the wedding was so very nice. You knew your groom wanted a more casual feel, but you’d been dreaming about having a traditional, formal wedding all your life. You appreciated the fact that your man seemed so willing to sacrifice his wishes for yours. Until you hooked your arm in your father’s and looked to see your intended waiting for you at the end of the aisle in his tuxedo jacket, bow tie, and pair of plaid shorts. Hopefully, he at least wouldn’t have his groomsmen follow his lead, but, then again, maybe it would help him blend a little better. And let’s hope also that he at least had the good sense to switch from his black knee socks and lace ups to a more appropriate pair of flip flops.
Keg Stands: Frat party staples like Jager bombs and keg stands should not be brought into your wedding reception, especially when it’s your groom demanding the action. A groom encouraging and pressuring your skirt-wearing Aunt Millie to hoist her legs over her head and drink beer straight from the tap while your groom and his friends lead a chorus of “Chug, chug, chugs” is not a man mature enough to handle the institution of marriage.
Criticizing the Bride’s Appearance: This one is something of a no-brainer, but you would be surprised at the level of insensitivity some men possess. Despite what a bride chooses to wear or how she has cut or styled her hair, grooms should never be heard or seen making gagging noises, pretending to vomit, or blatantly asking the bride, “Geez, did you go drinking before hitting the bridal salon?” or “How did you get the ax?” Some things are better left unsaid.
Dirty Dancing : If your groom really appreciates his cheesy dance moves you might want to cut him off from the reception early before he tries to wage some freaky-deaky dance warfare on your grandmother. The “running man” you can tolerate – heck, you’d even stand for a few “sprinklers” and a “Roger Rabbit” or two. But let your groom know beforehand that grinding on the guests is strictly prohibited. I mean seriously can you really imagine or would you even want to imagine Granny grinding up on Grandpa to the tune of some new Kayne West track? Classy right?
Guitar Solo: If your groom has recently taken up guitar, or if he’s been at it for awhile but really just sucks, then you would likely not be too psyched if he decided to demonstrate his musical chops for your entire guest list. Avoid unwanted guitar solos or off-key serenades by opting to not hire a band and go with a DJ instead. Keep instruments far away from your husband-to-be and eliminate the risk that your man will follow through on his flamboyant urge to imitate David Lee Roth.
Having his Groomsmen Wear Matching Oakley Blades: Warning: If your husband-to-be was a Phi Delt in the 80s or is just hopelessly stuck in the era, constantly reminiscing about water skiing outings made in neon pink swimming trunks, then you could be in danger of him pulling a stunt like this – asking his groomsmen to all wear matching iridescent Oakley Razor Blade sunglasses throughout the ceremony. Not only is this trend hugely unattractive and about as “with the times” as a wooly mammoth, but it’s just a sign that he can’t be trusted and will never leave the past behind. If any artifact of that decade should be left behind and forgotten, it’s this one.
Moonwalk to the Altar: Your wedding day is the one day of the year – possibly of your life – that you get the hands-down right to make as grand of an entrance as possible. That’s why you have every reason to be mad as hell if your groom tries to upstage you with a grand entrance of his own. If he does anything beyond calmly and deliberately walking to his post at the altar, turn on your heels and hightail it out of there. Any moonwalking down the aisle or entrance that involves a Rush song playing in the background and special effects like smoke and lights is fair grounds to call the whole thing off.
Reveals a BIG secret: Hopefully, by the time you and your intended are actually tying the knot, you will know just about everything about each other. Which is why it would be deeply disturbing if your groom decides to use the occasion as an opportunity to reveal something personal and awkward about himself. Sure, having all of your family and friends gathered together in one place makes it easy for him to get the admission off his chest in one swoop, since everyone who is important to him will be present. But having your groom steal the spotlight by confessing he’s bisexual, revealing a former drug habit, or introducing the crowd to his illegitimate, secret 10-year-old son will certainly ruin your entire day – especially if it’s news to you, too.
Switch Out First Dance Song: The ceremony is over and you are gathered before your friends and family, standing in the spotlight on the dance floor, ready for your first dance with your new husband. You smile demurely, waiting for the DJ to kick on the song to which you both agreed was the perfect mood-setter for your first twirl as man and wife – “A Whole New World” by Peabo Bryson. The lights dim and the DJ hits the switch. Before you know what’s happening, your groom is grinning like a maniac, jumping around the room, and doing the chicken dance. The jerk switched out your wedding song without telling you. Horrified, you have two choices: either walk off the floor or tuck your wrists under your armpits and start clucking.
Wearing Heelys: If your groom decided to forgo his tux-issued shoes for a pair of brand new Heely sneakers – the shoes with wheels in the heel – then you can take it as a sure-fire sign that your groom is one of the most immature people on the planet. Remind him that the law states a person must be over the age of 18 to get married without parental consent and then roll him out of the picture. Lets be honest if this is really something you need to explain to your groom ladies…you two are probably not going to be a match made in heaven for long. Five years from now I can see your future now and I have two words for you DIVORCE SETTLEMENT!
Shave Your Name into His Head: Romantic gestures from the groom on your wedding day are very nice. One standard act of love would be sending the bride a gift – maybe some roses or some jewelry. It would even be kind of nice for him to hire a small prop plane to write your name in the sky. But shaving it into his head the morning of the wedding is not included on this list of sweet and acceptable gestures. If this happens, just hope you can catch him before your debut at the altar so you can find him a hat or shave the rest of his hair off. If your man comes to the wedding with this going on kindly send him back down the aisle with his 4th grade text book and tell him to call you in 10 years!
Crying Uncontrollably: Again, sentimental gestures from the groom are nice, and tearing up a little when he sees you walking down the aisle is completely fine – even a little desirable one would think. But the man must show a little self-control. Body-wracking sobs are not the look and feel you are going for here. If your groom is crying so loud that you can’t hear your cue to say “I Do” then elbow him in the side and try to get the situation under control. If that doesn’t work, you may want to join him.
Objecting, Jokingly: You know that part in the ceremony where the preacher asks that if anyone knows any reason why the bride and groom should not be married that they should speak now or forever hold their peace? It’s a moment where the crowd, and by all means the bride and groom, are really expected to remain silent. Anyone who would actually pick that moment to express their disapproval with your relationship is not a friend you want to keep. But it would be wholly worse if the person to “speak up” during the ceremony was the man you were marrying. No matter how sarcastic or joke-prone your husband is pretending to object to your own wedding is not even remotely funny.
Getting Beat Up : If your groom has a nasty temper, then one thing you might be wary of is the likelihood of him showing up in suit and tie with a black eye and broken nose. That photographer is expensive for Pete’s sake and nothing is going to ruin your lifelong memories more than photos of your groom smiling broadly with missing teeth. Don’t let your groom get beat up before the wedding. Make sure any raucous behavior he engages in prior to the ceremony is far away from the town dive bar.
